Here’s to 2011, a year of adventure, excitement and fulfilment of some extraordinary dreams.
If 2010 was a year of losing myself, then 2011 is to be a year of finding myself again. 2010 was supposed to be a year of relaxation. A year of kicking back and giving myself time to recharge but things never seem to quite work out the way you intend. It seems to be that when you feel you need to wind down most that you’re on the receiving end of a curve ball and you’ve either got to get the fuck off the floor and hit that ball right out of the park or lay down on the floor, accept defeat, knash your teeth in despair and sob into your hands with the half chewed nails and chipped nail polish … and I’ve never been one for coming second, despite the chewed nails and chipped nail polish.
This 2010 is not a year I’ve been especially proud of. I can’t say that I’ve looked back on it, or me, with pride. I’ve been less than I could have been, and didn’t fight as hard as I could have for the things I wanted or the things I believed were right. I didn’t always raise my voice and say TO HELL WITH YOU, I am ENOUGH the WAY I AM. I wasn’t out there being vital and determined and amazing. I curled up with my sadness and hibernated. I tucked it all inside and pretended it was okay when it wasn’t. I went through the motions without my mojo and comforted myself with books and baking and it wasn’t enough. I tried to mould myself into a lifestyle I had convinced myself I wanted instead of letting my life form as a result of my passions. As a result, I’ve watched myself explode out of my self-imposed cliche and rebuild my walls into a new pathway.
My questions were maybe too big to be voiced, and my answers lay in old films, the books of my childhood, buckets of ice-cream and walking through the moonlit cobbled streets of a little city, watching the world pass by silently, like the shadows of my life. I demanded the bright and bold in my life and when I found muted pastel shades, I scorned them instead of building them up into something more. I watched myself curl up from a butterfly back into a chrysalis. I hibernated, I devolved and I hid away from a world I didn’t like. I hid my fears in chocolate and anger and fought back against my hurts when I should have voiced them and used them as a springboard for something better.
That said, 2010 hasn’t been all bad either. I’ve made some tremendous new friends and found solace in places I never thought to, I found a new job and discovered skill and confidence I’d lost. I’ve begun rediscovering who I was and exploring who I’d like to be. I’ve had dates that made me weep, and others that have made me cry with laughter. I’ve been surprised, shocked, blessed and comforted… and so on New Year’s Eve, I’m sitting with a dog curled up on my foot and a glass of cola, reminiscing and reminding myself to AIM HIGHER for the New Year.
If last year was a year of devolution, then 2011 is my year of EVOLUTION. This is my year for BIG DREAMS and opportunity and finding my niche. It’s a year for development and driving like a bat out of hell up the motorway singing LOUDLY to music that makes my eyes water and my heart soar. 2011 is going to be a year for opening my mind and heart. This is going to be my year for CREATION and for LOVING. If it breaks my heart or makes me weep then so be it but this year I want my heart to lead me on a journey that doesn’t hold me back but one that ENRICHES me and brings my life together in a RIOT of colour.
I want this to be the year when I learn to express who I am. When I am not afraid to dress or speak in a way that reflects who I am inside. When I can stand in the waves of anyone’s criticism and say simply and quietly that this is WHO I AM. This year I’ll move, I’ll travel, I’ll write poetry again and take the photographs that have been waiting for me for a year or maybe two. Maybe I’ll upgrade my phone and learn aromatherapy. I might dance at bus stops and eat with my fingers. Maybe I’ll climb trees again and watch people go by underneath and unaware. Perhaps this year I’ll order in less, and go out more. I’ll get a tattoo and pierce my ears again. This year, my resolution is to ENGAGE. To be part of it all and to be REAL.
They’re my dreams, my resolutions and 2011 will be MY year. Here’s to you and yours.