This is a year of promises, of journeying and most of all it’s a year of integrity. This year is about creativity, art, soul and giving it everything I’ve got. It’s about evolution and transformation and not playing it safe.
As a mark of my promise to myself, I took a small step this afternoon and treated myself to a piercing (or more accurately, four). It’s not the actual doing it that’s the step but the fact that every time I see myself in the mirror, I will be reminded of this afternoon in a small, sunny city and the promise I made and the step I have taken on the road I have chosen. It’s a sign of a commitment to myself, to my heart, to my future.
I’ve never felt so inadequate. What ifs appear everywhere, secreted in head spaces and quiet moments, turning my world upside down – what if your best isn’t good enough, what if you’re just not as good as you think you are, what if you’re just not ready, what if it all goes wrong – and all that quiets them is looking deep down into that core of myself which is quiet, still and certain and says ‘You know you can do this. You were BORN for this. You have far too much inside you to dedicate yourself to a life of getting by’ and I breathe and the world rights itself just in time.
It’s about finding a dream and holding on to it, and when the ground crumbles away under your feet, holding on that bit tighter and not caring that your hands are dirty and bleeding and sore but you’re just that bit closer to making it real. This is a crossroads. It’s one of those defining moments that comes in life where you choose whether to woman up and become the person you CAN be, or whether to let the dream go and say ‘thanks but no thanks’. I can’t let it go. I’ve got YES! ticked by default.
These are not easy choices. They’re not meant to be. They come when you’ve been through hell – and life says: so, you’re running out of fucking fuel but you have to choose NOW whether you’re taking the easy road or the hard road. It’s beyond imagining how much bigger and harder and insurmountable it seems. It feels as through you’re dragging yourself from one catastrophe to another, but you make your choice and suddenly the harder road doesn’t seem so hard. Because the truth is the choice is where fortitude is required.
Defining your dream and committing to it stretches you in ways you can’t imagine. Your mind is pregnant with imagination and your heart swells with courage until you feel like you’ve stretched grotesquely and you’re all out of shape. Your dreams are bigger than your reality and you don’t know when the two are going to realign into some semblance of normality.
Face the truth. Hold your mirror up and look hard into it and recognise who stares back at you. Do not see what you would prefer to see. See the raw, exacting answers you need. Find your truth and hold it triumphantly aloft.
If I could be, I’d love to be softer and gentler. I’d be the one soothing troubled waters and gentling the turbulence. I’d be comfort, guidance and tolerance. I would bake and sew and live a quiet life. I would wear an apron and high heels and dole out milk and biscuits and discuss art and politics as comfortably as x-factor and eastenders.
I am none of these things.
I am a perfect amalgamation of my forbears: cliff-dwellers, pirates, visionaries and men of the sea. I come from courage, ambition, justice and art. It’s my foundation. But my journey? That is my own.